Set Free

My shackles are broken.
No longer caged,
Catharsis is uneven
Short bursts of light
In the dark.

The mask is fractured,
Mental atrophy fades away
My heart opens wide
I can see my radiance,
I am set free.

Welcome to the World

I’ve thought a lot about how I want to write this particular entry and I’m still not sure I’m quite ready to write it but here goes.

On July 18, 2012 I had my son. His name is Joshua and he was three weeks early. I did not go into premature labor, I had an emergency c-section because I had acute appendicitis.

I went into the hospital on the 17th with contractions, after being put on a monitor the doctors determined I was not in active labor and they intended to send me home. While still in the hospital I started feeling very nauseous and started throwing up, I was unable to keep any food or liquids down (including water). The doctors thought I was just have late term morning sickness so they gave me some anti-nausea medication through an IV. I had an extremely bad reaction to the medication and ended up being admitted.

During the next 24 hours I got progressively sicker and was in such excruciating pain I didn’t actually notice when I was having contractions. It wasn’t until nearly 4PM on the 18th that someone listened to me about the pain I was in and ordered an ultrasound of my lower right abdomen. The ultrasound was not clear enough to determine if I had appendicitis but the surgeon and attending doctor decided it would be best to do the surgery because all of my symptoms matched appendicitis. They also decided the best idea would be for me to have a c-section at the same time, this way we knew for sure that Joshua would be safe.

I was taken down to surgery, given an epidural (which in my original plan for birth I didn’t want) and Ben was able to be in the operating room with me. He was able to watch as Joshua was born. When he was born he had trouble breathing, he was taken to the NICU where they determined he had fluid in his lungs and needed to be put on a bubble CPAP. After Joshua was born Ben was taken out of the operating room so they could remove my appendix. After my surgery I was in recovery for an hour and then taken upstairs to the mother and baby unit.

Ben and Juli (my best friend) told me that Joshua was in the NICU, I didn’t get to see him until the next morning. He weighed six pounds and thirteen ounces and was 19.4 inches long. His nurse told us for a preemie he was a big baby, but to me he looked so tiny and he had the bubble CPAP on his face and an IV in his hand. I was in the hospital until the 21st, Joshua was in the NICU until the 25th.

The time he was in the hospital and we were home was probably the hardest few days I’ve had in a long time. Even though I was still extremely sore and exhausted I went to the hospital everyday until Joshua came home. I was so sad every time we had to come home and leave him there, if I could have I would have stayed at the hospital all night with him. We were both so very happy when we brought him home.

He is three weeks old today and he’s the most wonderful little person, He sleeps just like Ben and looks like both of us. We’re both so happy we have him and so grateful that both Joshua and I are safe and healthy. This was the exact opposite way I wanted to have him and the two things I was dreading (a c-section and an epidural) are what I ended up needing.