Monthly Archives: June 2011

The Prodigal Writer

I took a bit of a break from writing, I do this from time to time so I can find new inspiration and make sure the voice I’m using when I write is my own. As soon as I decided to take this little break my whole life turned upside down. Normally I bitch and moan and complain about it but this time it’s exactly what I wanted, what I needed. Everything I thought I knew and thought I could rely on just fell apart and out of it something else was born.

One thing I love about being a writer is that my writing is constantly evolving and changing as my life evolves and changes. I can look back on my writing and know exactly what was going on in my life and I can see how my writing has grown and gotten better as I’ve bumbled along through life.

I’ve learned I like to write poems with imagery in mind, lately I’ve been playing with a more staccato rhythm, rather than the long flowing pieces I’ve done in the past. I like the idea of using fractured images to create one big image. I suppose in someways I’m creating a collage with my writing, which is really kind of funny because I used to really hate collage. Lately I’ve felt like a collage, all these little pieces I’m slowly putting back together in order to rebuild myself and make a completed image.

I didn’t realize how much my writing has been reflecting my inner feelings until I took this break and really looked at my work and myself. I’m lifting my self imposed hiatus and I’m ready to experiment with both my writing and my life.

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Anchored

Everything Changes,

I’m sitting on the grass with you, we’re laughing and for just a moment my heart is careless and free. For just a moment I don’t have the overwhelming urge to cry. I look at you and you look back at me, we smile and take a drink. I can’t wrap my head around this. I’m handling it with kid gloves, afraid to grasp too hard and break what we have. Two months ago I would never have believed you and I would ever be friends again. Two months ago I wouldn’t even have spoken to you if I saw you in public. All it took was that little push, it’s amazing what Facebook can do.

That first night we went out and got coffee at Denny’s was the first night in a long time I was able to just enjoy being with another person. The more we hung out the more I realized how much I enjoy being with you. It’s not just that we have fun, not just that we can talk about anything and it’s not just that we can sit in a park with cheap beer and have the time of our lives. It’s that little feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me smile, the fact that when I’m with you the rest of the world doesn’t matter. That just for a little while the raging torrent of hurt and pain inside of me settles and I can just enjoy being with you. When I was upset and hurt and said all I wanted was someone to hold me and just let me cry you were there, you held onto me and just told me over and over that things will be okay. You’re there without me having to ask, you can look at me and know immediately that something is wrong and you don’t run away, you don’t ignore it, you’re there to listen or just to let me cry. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you, you’ve kept me from drowning.

Sitting on the grass with you, talking about everything and nothing. You smile that little smile you give me as you tease me for drinking too slow and for smoking too slow. I smile back at you and tell you not to give me any lip, we laugh and go back to whatever we were talking about before. Everything changed, you’re the only anchor I’ve got in a world full of crazy.


Smolder

You’ve got a long fuse,
The inferno is building.

You’re teeth graze my lip
Pulling gently, possessively.

I will be yours,
My body curled against you.

You melt into me,
In that kiss we are one.


And I’m Found Again

“But if you wanna leave, you can. I’ll remember you though, just like I remember everyone that leaves.”

I have problems with abandonment, and with trust. I refuse to allow myself to be vulnerable with another person because I always fear they will leave or otherwise break my trust. I remember everyone who left, everyone who hurt me. It’s a good thing emotional wounds don’t leave visible scars because I would be covered from head to toe.

Hurt is a funny thing. No one really enjoys emotional pain, yet we all hold onto it. Hurt is comfortable, we always know what to expect with hurt. I keep trying to let go of mine, but I find myself clinging to it. Afraid to face life without those pieces of myself. Afraid of who I’ll be without them. My hurt is like an old friend, it’s comforting in an odd way. A lot of it I’ve carried around since I was a kid, it’s shaped who I am. How can I be myself without it?

I’m at an odd place in my life. I find myself wanting to trust, wanting to have that connection with another person and yet I’m afraid to really let someone in. In the past every time I’ve thought I had found someone I could trust that person betrayed my trust and hurt me. Some of those betrayals and hurts I have yet to deal with completely, they end up coloring my decisions and my interactions with others.

Though, I am not without hope. I know I can let go of all of the pain I carry around, I just have to do it one piece at a time. It also helps that I think I’ve finally found someone I can really trust, someone who understands me so completely that I can’t hide even if I wanted to. He reads me like a book, quick to call me on my bullshit, quick to remind me not to be so hard on myself and quick to share this adventure with me. We’ve laughed and we’ve cried, sometimes all in one night and the more time I spend with him the more I find I’m ready to let it go. Ready to be who I am without the pain and without the crushing fear that has held me back all of my life.

I’ve learned over and over that people will leave, even when you want them to stay. They’ll hurt you for no reason and sometimes they’ll be there when you need them, standing beside you helping you hold your head up when all you want to do is give up. For the first time in my life I’m going with the positive, I’m going with the good. Taking a risk on something completely unknown. Wish me luck.


Attempted

I shake inside,
Feel your hands crushing my neck.
Cold hate pours from
Your eyes.

Air comes in fractured bursts,
Choking on my tears.
Staring death in the face,
No atheists in foxholes.

I don’t want to die.


The Wise Man’s Fear- A review

Ok so a few weeks ago I wrote a little review on the Name of the Wind, well since then I have finished (twice) the second in that series The Wise Man’s Fear. I REEEEEAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY enjoyed that book. Like the first novel this one is extremely well written, however, unlike the first novel it lacks the slow spots and repetition characteristic of a first novel. Which is a good thing because this was his second novel.

The Wise Man’s Fear consumed me, I couldn’t put it down (so to speak, I was reading it on my Nook app). The plot does not follow the expected routes and the characters remained complex and interesting. The novel jumps ahead of many others in its genre in terms of plot development and character development.

I highly recommend these books to anyone who enjoys a good read, even if fantasy is not your genre give these a chance. They will remind you why reading is such an enjoyable pastime and why writing is such a skill. The way Rothfuss is able to weave his complex and interesting plot is nothing short of miraculous. I am officially a fan.


Owned

I crave your kiss,
Your hands on my body.

Teeth grazing my neck
I belong to you.

Your mark left on my soul,
Passion burns away my resistance.

I can’t tell you no,
You’re oblivious to my love.