It’s that time of year again, Thanksgiving.
The past year has been hard. When I first considered writing this I thought I was going to have to work really hard to find things to be thankful for. I was wrong.
Between November of last year and now so much of my life has changed, I hate change. I’m scared of it and I don’t really know how to process it. I was still in Los Lunas this time last year, still with Rich and still unhappy. Despite that I am grateful I went back, it forced me to learn what it is I don’t want in a relationship. I no longer mourn the relationship, but the friendship is something I miss. I question whether we were ever friends and how things went so wrong but I no longer miss it, I no longer feel like I’ll go back. I know I won’t. I’m thankful I was able to find the strength inside of myself to leave and to accept that he and I do not work.
As I look back on the last 12 months I see a recurring pattern: I care for someone, they treat me horribly and I continue to let them hurt me. I did it with Rich, with Antonio (repeatedly) and with John. Despite the pain I felt and the hurt that seemed to crush me I’m thankful I went through those experiences because I did learn what I don’t want. I did learn that sometimes the past should just stay the past and that when someone was a dick when you were 16 they’re still gonna be a dick when you’re 24.
I made a lot of poor choices, did a lot of things I’m really not proud of but one thing I learned this year is that everything is a learning experience. The last several months have been hard for a number of reasons, I found someone I love, I mean I really love. Being with him makes the world stop and in finding that I realize I never really knew what it was to love someone and be loved in return. He and I went through a lot to get to the point we’re at and making the choice to be with him caused me to lose some things, caused relationships to change and did cause pain. I was selfish and for that I am thankful and sorry, I know that sounds so contradictory but it’s the truth. I put myself and what I wanted ahead of anyone else and I am happy. I only wish it could have happened without the pain and fighting.
On a similar note, I am thankful for my friends, for always being there, looking out for me and not being afraid to tell me they think I’m fucking up. I don’t think any of them know how much I appreciate them. I’d be lost without them, specifically, Juli and Kim. Both of them have been there for me more than I ever deserved, I only hope they know how much I love them.
Probably most importantly, my dad. I have no idea where I would be if my dad hadn’t been there. Between my car being towed (twice), to helping me with my phone bill, giving me somewhere to sleep and giving my boyfriend somewhere to sleep he’s put up with a lot. I’m glad I have him and I appreciate everything he’s done for me.
I doubt this will be the last reflective bit of writing to come out of me during this time of year but this is one that is important. During the last year I realized just how much I do have to thankful for and the most important thing I learned is to be thankful for myself, thankful to be alive and able to learn and grow. I lost that for a while and now that I have it back I don’t intend to lose it again.