Monthly Archives: May 2011

A Work In Progress

You don’t read this so I feel safe putting it up here.

You don’t remember it but I cried myself to sleep last Wednesday night. Cried harder than I’ve cried in a long time. I listened to you breathing next to me and my heart broke for what you’ve been through, for what I’ve been through and how it’s scarred both of us to the point that we don’t trust other people. When I moved your hair out of your face I looked at you for a while, realized how much I care about you and that’s when the tears came. I cried for at least an hour until you rolled over onto your side. I rolled over and let myself get close to you, I put my arm around you and for the first time in a long time felt whole. You smelled like whiskey and cigarettes, I breathed it in and cried until I fell asleep.

I went home the next day confused about how I feel and confused about how you feel. Sometimes the way you act with me makes me think maybe you care the way I do. You talk to me, like really talk to me. I think I know you well enough to assume you don’t do that with everyone. I know we’re friends, but isn’t friendship a good basis for something more?

You’ve no reason to trust me, but here I am asking you to try. I’d never hurt you. I know those words are meaningless, so look to my actions. The concern I show for you, the way I make an effort to show you I do care. I don’t have a reason to trust you either but you’ve shown me I can lean on you if I need to. I’ve looked at you without allowing my past to color my perceptions. You’re not like the people who have hurt me so I won’t judge you the way I judge them. Try to do the same thing for me. You say you’re an asshole and sure, sometimes you’re a jerk but who isn’t? When it comes down to it though you’re not an asshole. You hide behind that facade because it’s easier than getting attached to someone.

I want to ask you to give me a chance. Let me show you what you’ve been missing. Just a chance, what really do you have to lose?


Sleep

I lose myself in your eyes,
I ache as I watch you sleep.

My pain copies the rhythm
Of your breath.

My fingers trail your hip
As I curl my body close to yours.

My tears fall against your back,
Silent and hot.


Omnia Mutantur, Nihil Interit.

Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost.

We move on and we let go, we find new places to fit in and we close the door on the old parts of our lives. And yet, in our hearts and in our souls we hold on. We hold out hope that those we left behind will somehow be the people we wanted them to be. We hold on to those hurts and the pain they created. We let that pain blossom into our lives, poisoning the chances we have for happiness. We look out into the world with eyes that only see the past.

I’ve lived and lost so much, more than I ever thought I would. I’ve loved and been betrayed, hurt so deeply tears won’t even come to cleanse the pain. I’ve held onto every one of those hurts, giving them control over the decisions I’ve made, allowing them to create fear and holding me back from the things I want in my life. I still do it. I let the hurt I’ve suffered hold me back. I look into the eyes of everyone I meet and expect the worst from them, expect to be hurt, let down, betrayed and in the end alone. It’s no way to live.

I’m closing the door for good. As a comedian once said, we don’t get a coupon at the end of our lives for being unhappy. This is it, we get this one life and if we choose to hold on to pain and hurt, rather than letting it go and finding happiness we’re wasting it. I don’t want to waste my life anymore, so, I’m taking a chance.

Everything changes, whether we like it or not. Life is not stagnant and if we don’t accept that then we end up stuck. Despite change though, nothing is really lost. We keep things alive with our memory, it’s all there in our minds and in our hearts. We just have to learn to let go of the pain and allow the wounds to close and heal.

I am healing.


And Still, I Miss You

Mother’s Day was this past Sunday. I have a love/hate relationship with Mother’s Day, at the same time I am reminded so clearly of what I don’t have, I am also able to remember what a wonderful woman my mother was. I didn’t cry this year, which is a first for me. I thought about her and I missed her, but I didn’t cry.

Instead, I cried today.

It wasn’t a conscious thought, something I had been dwelling on or thinking about. Rather, it hit me like a ton of bricks as I sat at a traffic light in Los Lunas earlier this evening. I’m not sure what triggered it, what it was that made me pull over and cry like a child for 30 minutes.

It’s no secret I miss her, perhaps more so because of how difficult the last year has been, especially the last few months. I’ve sat in my car more times than I can count and just wished she was here for me to talk to, for her to hug me and yell at me for all the stupid things I’ve done. I’ve even sat in my car and talked to her, knowing she can’t hear me and can’t respond.

I spent this Mother’s Day with my bestie. Besides it being Mother’s Day it was also her birthday. I felt bad all day because I was jealous she had her mother there. I wonder if those feelings fade, if it ever stops hurting. There’s a perpetual emptiness where she used to be and nothing really fills it. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt and other times the ache is so unbearable all I can do is cry. It’s not something I do consciously or on purpose, I keep being told to “let her go” but that isn’t the issue. She’s gone, I can’t change that. I don’t mope around and cry whenever I talk about her, but there are those times when the sadness that she’s gone just smacks into me and I can’t shake it.

She was my best friend. I would give anything to see her and talk to her just for an hour. There are so many things I want to ask and tell her. I want to know what she thinks of my tattoos, if she would have yelled at me when I got my nose pierced, whether my taste in music would drive her nuts, if she would like my writing, think I had a pretty singing voice. I sometimes still find myself angry that she’s gone, I don’t know who or what I’m angry at but the anger is there. A lot of the time I find myself ashamed that I still miss her so much. Isn’t it supposed to fade? Or does everyone who lost someone so important feel that hurt the way I do.

Mother’s Day brings those questions out. I often wonder what’s wrong with me, why I sometimes still cry and feel that heavy ache of loss. It’s been 12 years, shouldn’t it get easier? I suppose in some ways it has, actually in a lot of ways it has. But, every time I find myself in a new situation in life I realize how much I miss her, how much I feel like I’m just floating out to sea with no one there to help me steer.

So, it’s late but no less sincere: Happy Mother’s Day Mama. I miss you.


Power Struggle

You push, I pull.

Attraction magnetizes,
Forces us together.

Coupled in passion
Your desire electrifies me.

I give a little more
Of myself every time,

I melt beneath you.


Unoriginal

You still get me,
Take my breath away.
Cut me to the core,
I still bleed for you.

Tears I refuse to cry
Ache in my chest.
I won’t give you the satisfaction
Of seeing me broken before you.

I loved you,
You used me.
Oldest story in time,
And I hate you.