There was a point when I loved you. I remember it so clearly, it cuts like a razor through the pain of what became of our marriage. I didn’t love you the day we married, I didn’t love you the day our second son was born. I didn’t love you at the Rhode Island apartment, in Los Lunas, Peralta, or Tome.
I stopped loving you the day I came home to Joshua crying and you ignoring it because you couldn’t be bothered to take care of your two month old baby. I realized that day you would never put us first, or even second. This was before the violence, before the assaults. I stopped loving you because I love my son more.
I remember the first time you hit me.
I was so shocked, despite my confusing feelings for you, I didn’t deserve it. And then it happened again, and again. Over and over. Broken nose, broken orbital socket, fractured skull, bruises, scratches, and that was just the surface. Inside I was broken, and you knew it. You took advantage of my brokenness, kept me afraid and so cut down that I couldn’t even fathom leaving.
I remember the day you ran away so clearly. You threw me down and hit me over and over, I was screaming for help, screaming in pain. You realized what you’d done and ran like a coward. And you stayed hidden for a year, running from the consequences of what you did.
And now you’re in jail.
I’m afraid. I won’t lie, I’m afraid of you. I have nightmares, I jump at noises, if someone moves to fast I flinch. You wrecked me. I’m a shadow of the person I used to be, you killed that person. I have to rebuild from the ground up, I have to find some sort of self out the abuse you put me through. It’s hard, it’s so fucking hard. But it’s worth it to have a self that has nothing to do with you.
I’ll face you. I’ll look dead in your eyes and tell the court what you did. I’ll be afraid the whole time, but I’ll do it anyway because I’m not broken the way I used to be. I’ve had a whole year and a half free from you, free to rebuild myself. This self won’t let you hurt me again. Won’t let you hurt my children ever again. We’ll stand together and put you where you belong.