I think anyone who has read anything on this blog is well aware of the fact that I lost my mother when I was a child. It is a grief I’m not sure ever really goes away. Yes, it gets easier and nearly all the time I can think about her and not feel sad. There are some times, however that I can’t.
I am six weeks pregnant with my first child. I’m happy, really happy. But there is a small part of me that is incredibly sad. I will never be able to share this with my mom. She won’t get to know her grandchild. This makes me sad. I know how much my mom loved me and my brother and the older I get it becomes clearer how much I really do miss her.
I’m trying not to focus on how much I miss her. I know it will get easier again, but right now when I think of questions I want to ask I realize I don’t really have anyone to call or visit and talk to. Part of that might be my fault too, I don’t let people in easily. I don’t really trust easily and I don’t like other people to see me vulnerable. I know this sort of compounds my problem.
When I think about having this baby I want so much for my mom to be able to see him or her, to be able to share that with her. I see how happy my nephew makes my dad and I wanted to be able to see my mom happy like that. I guess in some ways I just feel gypped. I know she’s with me, and if she were here she’d be happy. I guess this just sort of added another layer of grief I wasn’t really expecting to deal with. It’s not like the grief I felt when she first died, that was sharp and hard. This is more subtle and quiet, kind of like the way warm soup feels when it hits your stomach. You feel it and it’s familiar but at the same time kind of uncomfortable. I don’t like feeling sad and missing her. I especially don’t like feeling sad right now. I want to just be happy and excited but I can’t seem to shake this little sadness.
I guess there’s another layer to this feeling as well: Fear. Everyone I know who has kids has their mother to provide some kind of guidance and example. I do have memories of my mom, but I’m afraid I won’t be good at this because I’ve spent half my life without my mother. Ben has already told me I shouldn’t worry about this, that I’ll be a good mother, that I’m a good person and a kind person and that will translate to my parenting.
I am glad I have him, every time I’ve gotten sad and cried he’s reminded me that my mom is with me and that even if she’s not here she is happy. I know I’ll probably cry some more and miss her some more but eventually I think I’ll be ok again. And above all else, I am SO happy I’m pregnant.