So it’s been a while since I’ve put anything up here. I had something I was dealing with and thought it best to deal with it completely before coming on here and spewing literary diarrhea and then regretting everything I had to say. That said, I do now have some things to say.
A. It came to my attention that I tend to put everyone else’s happiness and comfort before my own. I’ve been operating this way for a long time and when I came across something I wanted, something that made me inexplicably happy I, for a moment was willing to give it up to keep everyone else around me happy. I realized how incredibly UNhappy that made me and that’s when I realized I needed to change that behavior. So, I did the selfish thing. I made myself happy and I know there are people who are angry at me about it, who feel I slighted them and that I didn’t take their best interests into consideration. In some respects those people would be right. I was incredibly upset and hurt and had a conversation with my cousin where she reminded me of something someone I love dearly would have told me: Be happy, do what will make me happy and will put a smile on my face. So that’s what I’ve done, for a while I felt like I should apologize for being happy but again someone pointed out to me that I shouldn’t have to apologize for finding someone and something that makes me happy, so I’m not going to.
B. Despite not apologizing for being happy, I am going to say I am sorry for everything that happened, the way it happened and that someone who never should have been dragged into it was dragged into it. I am sorry my actions and my desire for happiness caused such unhappiness in other people. I have spent so much of my life being afraid to go after what I want, I’ve deferred to everyone else and I think everyone got used to that. I’m sorry I chose this particular instance to stand up and decide I need to take care of myself. My choice doesn’t mean I love anyone else any less or that I don’t care about your best interest, what it means is sometimes I am going to put myself first the way everyone else does.
C. I’m good at forgiving and forgetting, but I’ve learned there are some things I can’t and won’t forgive. I don’t like finding this about myself and I am working to forgive and let go of the pain I was caused. I would hope everyone else could try to do the same thing.
D. I AM happy. Truly and completely. For the first time in my life there is just happiness in my heart. I am glad I took the risk and made this choice.