It’s been a year, one full year since the night we fell apart.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the last year, about the choices I made, the things I did wrong and the things I did right. I know you never believed me but leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It broke my heart to realize that we weren’t working, hadn’t worked and probably never would work. I remember that night with startling clarity, when I close my eyes I can still see that look on your face. It was pure hatred, it terrified me then and terrifies me now. I meant it when I told you I thought you were going to kill me, the only thought in my head in that moment was, “I don’t want to die!” I was in shock. I couldn’t believe you, my best friend, the love of my life, the man I wanted to marry, the man I would give anything for, do anything for was hurting me. And not just hurting me but choking me, you put your hands around my neck and you squeezed. I clawed at your hands and you just pushed me down. Your eyes were cold and you looked at me dispassionately like I was nothing to you.
I know what I did wrong, I know how much I hurt you and I know in that moment I was nothing to you. When you let go of me and all you said was I deserved it I knew it was over. I laid on the floor with Kairi and cried. I wanted to leave, I wanted to run away and never look back but I didn’t. I stayed for that entire weekend, trying to figure out how you could do that to me. When Monday came and I drove away I never wanted to come back. I was so broken inside, so hurt I couldn’t even process what happened. But I did come back, I tried to fix what was broken but we had no chance. I made the hardest decision I’ve ever made and I left you, I walked away, I quit. I know you hate me for making that choice, but I don’t hate myself for making it. It was the right choice.
It’s been a year and I don’t think I’ve ever really cried for what I lost that night. For the last 12 months I’ve panicked when someone has touched my neck, dissolving into tears and feeling that terror all over again. You always thought it was easy for me to leave but it wasn’t. You were all I had for almost 12 years, you were my best friend. I trusted you so completely I never saw how we were falling apart.
You have no idea how much I miss you. I miss sitting in the Bronco and talking, I miss watching you play video games, I miss wandering around Old Town. I miss the little names you called me. I miss playing with your hair when we went to sleep. I miss going to eat Chinese food with your mom. My entire life changed, nothing is the same now and that does hurt. I changed that night and I’m still trying to figure out what I lost and I what I gained.
You’ve asked me more than once to try again, to give us another shot. I never knew how to tell you that I can’t. As much as I miss all of the good things I cannot forget the bad. I cannot forget how you called me a bitch and a whore, how you treated me like I was stupid. How you were constantly angry and how when I succeeded at something you were never happy for me. I cannot forgive what happened on July 16th, and I cannot forgive what happened in January.
It has been a year, 365 days since we fell apart. I am sorry for my part in what happened, I am so sorry for the way I hurt you and I do hope you find happiness. I am saying goodbye for the final time, these are the last tears I will cry for July 16th.