“But if you wanna leave, you can. I’ll remember you though, just like I remember everyone that leaves.”
I have problems with abandonment, and with trust. I refuse to allow myself to be vulnerable with another person because I always fear they will leave or otherwise break my trust. I remember everyone who left, everyone who hurt me. It’s a good thing emotional wounds don’t leave visible scars because I would be covered from head to toe.
Hurt is a funny thing. No one really enjoys emotional pain, yet we all hold onto it. Hurt is comfortable, we always know what to expect with hurt. I keep trying to let go of mine, but I find myself clinging to it. Afraid to face life without those pieces of myself. Afraid of who I’ll be without them. My hurt is like an old friend, it’s comforting in an odd way. A lot of it I’ve carried around since I was a kid, it’s shaped who I am. How can I be myself without it?
I’m at an odd place in my life. I find myself wanting to trust, wanting to have that connection with another person and yet I’m afraid to really let someone in. In the past every time I’ve thought I had found someone I could trust that person betrayed my trust and hurt me. Some of those betrayals and hurts I have yet to deal with completely, they end up coloring my decisions and my interactions with others.
Though, I am not without hope. I know I can let go of all of the pain I carry around, I just have to do it one piece at a time. It also helps that I think I’ve finally found someone I can really trust, someone who understands me so completely that I can’t hide even if I wanted to. He reads me like a book, quick to call me on my bullshit, quick to remind me not to be so hard on myself and quick to share this adventure with me. We’ve laughed and we’ve cried, sometimes all in one night and the more time I spend with him the more I find I’m ready to let it go. Ready to be who I am without the pain and without the crushing fear that has held me back all of my life.
I’ve learned over and over that people will leave, even when you want them to stay. They’ll hurt you for no reason and sometimes they’ll be there when you need them, standing beside you helping you hold your head up when all you want to do is give up. For the first time in my life I’m going with the positive, I’m going with the good. Taking a risk on something completely unknown. Wish me luck.