Is this about me, or is it about you?
Harmless words, harmlessly spoken become weapons when emotions are involved. Your sword comes down on me, not in attack but in defense. I hide behind the shield you’ve offered, allowing myself to feel the emotions I’ve kept under lock and key. In those moments of honest intimacy I see myself doing exactly what I swore I wouldn’t: loving you. I tell myself it was inevitable, there’s no way we could be together without this happening and still I wonder whether I’m going to be the one picking up the broken pieces of my heart at the end of this. I wonder how much I mean to you, whether you look at me and feel that swell of warmth, that telltale sign of love. I wonder if when I touch you your throat catches and all you want is to live in that moment forever.
You say such beautiful things to me. My logical and rational side is silenced by the part of me who so desperately needs to believe you mean what you say. Still, that rationality is there, picking at the things you say. My prudent mind undermines my visceral emotional reaction, forcing me to consider that you don’t mean a damn thing you say. Patiently, you reassure me, silence my worry and tell me how wonderful I am.
I fall asleep wrapped in your arms, feeling a sense of safety wholly unfamiliar. I don’t flinch at your movements, I don’t fear your reactions. You embrace my need, reciprocating with your own. Looking in your eyes I tell you I love you, my breath won’t come as I await your response. You look just as deeply into my eyes and declare your own love. I melt against you, wishing this didn’t have to end. My heart sings in joy, despite knowing this can’t last. Is the knowledge alone enough, or will I spend eternity wondering just what could be?
Words are never truly harmless, I find. My admissions of vulnerability scare me, I’m unused to being open so freely with another person. I open myself up, risking injury and that broken sorrow that I know will consume me. Is it a risk worth taking? Your kiss tells me it is, the way your fingers entwine themselves in my hair as I lay my head on your chest reassures me it is. The way you pull me close, unwilling to let go says more than the words we say to one another. I take the risk, I listen with my heart and hear yours beating back the same rhythm.
Where does this leave us? Neither of us knows. Life can’t go back, it only moves forward, we’ve made this step and we can’t go back. What do we do? I don’t know, but I know now, without a doubt my heart fits with yours and despite the unknown that small comfort is what is important. Love isn’t necessarily being together. Love is an understanding, a comfort and familiarity. A sense of belonging and non-judgement and I’ve found it with you. I’ll take the unknown and the unfamiliar for just this simple comfort.