So, I’ve been reading over what I’ve written that last few months and dear god, I’ve been bleak. How did I put up with myself? That’s a very good question, and frankly I’ve no idea. I’ve been given a breath of fresh air, a moment of clarity to find the internal peace I’ve been searching for. I’ve found a lightness I’ve never been able to hold onto and yet it’s still here, still with me. I’ve never had an easy smile, never been one to just break out into dance in the kitchen and yet that’s what I did today.
Where did this come from? Again, that’s a very good question and I’ve no idea. I’ll take it though, I’ll take it with no questions. No analyzing, no constant quest to understand. Sometimes things just happen and sometimes you’ve got to just hold on to them no matter what. So here I sit, clutching tightly to this happiness I never knew existed. A contentment I didn’t know was possible.
I’ve got some analysis to do but it’s more for myself. I find myself questioning why I allowed myself to be happy with unhappiness. Why I allowed myself to hide from the life I wanted, hide from the person I wanted to be. The answer is fear, fear of being hurt, of failing and of being alone and unloved. The truth is that hurt happens, failing happens and sometimes we’re all alone, but very rarely are we unloved. I allowed my life and myself to be ruled by fear. I’m not afraid anymore.
My friend Dan said it best. “. God, what a feeling! NO DESTINY! All tomorrows stretch out as empty reams of paper in ALL directions. In ALL directions for the first time Ever! BOOSH!”
This is the song I danced to while washing dishes. And as she says, Dog Days are OVER!