A Long Look

I’ve always thought of myself as independent, strong and unwilling to become someone’s plaything. I’ve been weak, when I made those first changes I thought I had done enough. I see now, I was wrong. I became complacent in taking care of myself.

Somewhere along the road I forgot I am my own person, entitled to my own actions. Somewhere along the road I became a junkie for approval and acceptance. Unwilling to stand on my own, not because I didn’t want to (because I desperately have) but because I am afraid of the fallout of such a decision.

I enjoy having people in my life, I love being able to share (operative word here) with others. What I want in life is an equal. I don’t want to live in a situation where there is a constant struggle for dominance, where my existence is defined by the existence of another. I want my own existence and I want someone who wants their own existence. I want to share with someone. I want a connection and a friendship to be the basis for a relationship not loneliness and possession. I am not a possession, I am a person.

I am not perfect either. I’m well aware I’ve got a big bunch of fucked up inside of me. I know my own fucked up has caused a lot of the problems I’m running from. For me, the difference is I can see how my own screwed up self has caused a lot of these problems. I took a good long look at myself and realized a lot of what has happened was because I was too afraid to stand up, too afraid to take a risk. I’m not afraid anymore, no one is going to live my life for me. If I really want to achieve the things I want the only person who can do it is me.