According to my horoscope this is a time of introspection, that the decisions I make now are going to effect the rest of my life.
I’ve been doing a lot of introspection, trying to figure myself out. I realized at some point last year I was hiding from life so now I’m trying to figure out how not to do that anymore. So I suppose my horoscope is right, this is a time of introspection and whatever decisions I make about my life are going to effect the rest of my life.
I know I’ve written a lot about me and what’s been going on in my mind, this was not what I’d intended this space for but it is what has been on my mind and what most of my writing has centered around. I feel this introspection is not just important for me personally but also for my writing.
When I think about the past 12 months I tend to think about it in pieces, separating the parts I enjoyed from the parts that left me thoughts of suicide even though a lot of the time those pieces sat right next to each other in the grand puzzle of my life. I find it interesting the way I had so many good experiences and at the exact same time I had some truly awful experiences. A lot of the time they occurred literally at the same time, I remember hanging out with someone and having fun while also having an very heated and hurtful argument via text message. I spent so many days going back and forth between tears and laughter. I honestly don’t understand how I came out of that with any semblance of sanity. Maybe I didn’t.
There’s a line from a a Wallflowers song, “man I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same.” That sums up how I feel about myself. I look at myself and I don’t feel different per se, but then again I look at myself and I don’t recognize the person I am now. I had so many sink or swim moments and I suppose looking back I swam. I feel a small bit of pride for surviving and for finding some reserve of strength to actually flourish.
I’ve said before that over the summer of 2010 my writing took a huge turn, it’s like I broke down a wall and learned how to take what was inside and turn into something other people can find relatable. I’ve come to realize a lot of this breakthrough has to do with me learning how to relate to other people without fear. I’ve always hidden behind a wall, I kept so much of myself from other people and I was alone because of it. There were people who came into my life who forced me out of that shell, forced me to take a chance.
For a long time I felt disconnected, not just from other people but also from myself and my creativity. Sometime around August I reconnected with myself, I rediscovered my own creative spark. I’ve tried so many times to express this reconnection and the best way I can describe it is that it was like falling in love, except instead of discovering another person I found me. This rediscovery is completely at odds with the fact that I still have no idea what I’m doing in and with my life, however I’ve also discovered that I don’t care. That’s not to say I don’t care about my own life because I do, what I mean is that right now I’m simply relishing life, not forcing myself to become obsessed with “making it,” whatever the hell that means.
I know my Dad is incredibly nervous about me not being in school this semester and I know it’s because he wants me to have an easier life than he and my mom had. I want the same thing, but I am genuinely enjoying not being in school. I ran myself to the ground, for the last few semesters I’ve had no drive, no desire to be in school, I was just on autopilot. I need this time off so I can find what I want to do and where I want to be.
Introspection is a funny thing, I’ve never felt more lost, more unbalanced and yet more at peace and more connected to myself than I do now. I’m, at the same time, terrified and nonchalant, it’s an odd sensation. I’ve thought more about my age than I ever have but at the same time I’ve thought less about the supposed timeline of what my life is supposed to be. For the first time in my life I think I’m actually just enjoying the present without a constant worry about the future. It’s refreshing and relaxing.
I didn’t really need the horoscope to tell me what this time in my life was for, but it’s nice to know the stars agree with me.