Faith?

I am not a religous person.

I spent time in the Episcopal Church as a child, my time there tapered off as my mom got sicker and when she died we stopped going altogether. I suppose some part of me lost faith the morning she died, and I suppose some part of me still feels that loss of faith. I’ve often wondered whether my problem with faith stems from that loss. I spent so much time praying and begging and pleading with God to let my mom survive, to please not take her. I actually believed my prayers would be answered. Why? Because I’d been told, “ask and ye shall recieve.” So, I asked and I begged and I bargained, and in the end she died anyway. I learned an important lesson that day: Life isn’t fair.

Even after her death I still found myself praying. When my step-dad would get angry and yell I would say the Lord’s Prayer to myself  hoping God would intervene and calm him down. Sometimes it seemed to work, sometimes I’d get two or three lines out and he’d magically be calm. This only served to confuse me further, did God care enough to stop my step-dad from yelling and scaring us but not enough to save my mom? What kind of God is that?

I suppose I should say I don’t doubt there is something, a higher power, a creator, an energy, something out there. In recent years I find myself interested in Buddhism and certain Pagan faiths based on balance. I like the idea of balance, to everything there is an equal. It’s got a nice logical ring to it and one of Newton’s Laws sounds an awful lot like it (For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction). yet somehow I always find myself returning to the concept of the Christian God, maybe it’s because it is the faith of my birth. Maybe it is because I can see the message Jesus was trying to get out and how it’s been warped and perverted over the last 2000 years.

I find myself looking around at the people around me and wondering how the hell things ended up like this. Everyone seems to be consumed with a kind of visceral hate of whatever is opposite them. It’s as if xenophobia has become an acceptable frame of mind. I connect this with faith and religion because so many people cite their religious beliefs as reasons for their hate. I don’t remember being taught to hate others when I was going to church, what I remember is being taught to love others, to accept others. Maybe I went to a really weird church.

I think what is lacking in this world is balance, hate is always going to exist as it is the natural balance to love but we have allowed it to overtake everything. We can’t see people anymore, we just see opposing viewpoints and differing beliefs. It’s as if we stepped back several hundred years.

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About inkspots87

I'm a writer at heart, but so much more. I'm typical, I love music and I've got a thing for pretty things. I like things, in general. If it's a thing chances are I'll like something about it. I love to read. Words are quite possibly my favorite thing, hence why I'm here. View all posts by inkspots87

4 responses to “Faith?

  • Kim

    You’re certainly not kidding. I dunno how people have started to believe that intolerance and hate and narrowmindedness are acceptable and even laudable.

  • Jim

    This may sound strange to you, but I thank God for the worst of my times….because that’s when I learned the most. I don’t much care for organized Religion. My beliefs are made up of bits and pieces of various Religions. I believe in reincarnation. Our Being is a learning experience based on who we’ve been, what we’ve done or not done etc….no matter our plane of existance. Life is an energy form, and energy cannot be destroyed!!

    • inkspots87

      I don’t do organize religion. I suppose I’d call myself a non-theist. I have a hard time with the concept of God. I’m more willing to believe in an energy (mostly because there’s science to back that up) than to believe in some benevolent old man who lives in the sky. I can’t stand they way people use religion to justify hate, it’s disgusting.

  • Jim

    I’m with you on that. These religious zealots are the biggest hypocrites on the planet……don’t do as I do, do as I say.

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